Preventing Hair Fires
All of us have hair. (Except for the bald. For those of you that are
bald, I deeply sympathize for what must be a soul-shattering,
incomplete life. Please bear with me while I continue my message,
which is intended for normal people.) But hair is combustible, so of
course we must all be ever-vigilant in detecting, preventing, and
stopping hair fires.
Because you can't see the top or back of your head, you can't always
rely on your eyes to detect hair fires. You should always be
listening for the subtle crackle of flames. If you aren't currently
suffering from a cold, you should periodically do a sniff test,
checking for something that smells, not to put too fine a point on it,
like burning hair.
Your loved ones can also help. You may not say "Sweetheart, is my
hair on fire?" on a regular basis, but consider doing so. Remember
that your partner *can* see the front and back of your head. Also
note that most of the "Stopping" hints given below don't do much harm
in the absense of fire. In other words, if you're not sure if your
hair is on fire, the safest course of action is to assume that it is.
Hair can catch on fire at a moment's notice. Unfortunately, there's
very little you can do about it. If you can't avoid proximity to
flames, electricity, and the sun, things are pretty much hopeless in
the prevention department.
Well, there is one thing. You can shave your entire head bald. While
this has its own problems (as touched upon above), it is the only
sure-fire way to stay 100% safe. If you follow this route, it's
probably a good idea to stop asking your partner if your hair is on
fire. She's had enough of it already anyway.
Beef stew, latex paint, and spermicidal jellies are, for the most
part, fireproof at normal temperatures. Liberally applying this to
the fire (or to the area where you expect there may be a fire) has a
better than 50/50 chance of stopping any hair fire dead in its tracks.
If you know a particularly speedy barber, you can always go the bald
route. This kills two birds with one stone: it solves your immediate
problem and prevents future fires.
Oh my god! Your hair is on fire!